Conflict in Marriage and Other Realtionships

This is one of my longer posts and it's jammed with more dense material but I promise that it's worth it. I hope you enjoy learning about how to solve and cope with problems in relationships as much as I did! Happiness and love in marriage (and other relationships) can be achieved! Do not give up and keep reading!

According to John M. Gottman, Ph.D., in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, "All marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some way or another." And that once you identify and sort your conflicts into these two categories, you can "customize your coping strategies, depending on which" categories they fall in.

 

The majority of marital conflicts fall under the perpetual category. People change, but these are the same conflicts being discussed years later. They are rooted in a symbolized deeper conflict between the two people.

 For example, "Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry." The problem lies in personality and preference. These issues do not have to ruin a perfectly formed marriage. Instead they help us learn and grow and refine us because it does take patience, love, and tolerance to deal with them. Gottman says, "Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive."

 

Wait, WHAT?

He explains that couples who "acknowledge the problem" and talk about it, "their love for each other isn't overwhelmed by their difference." It's all about putting the conflict into perspective and realizing that we're human. None of us is perfect, including our spouse, family, or friends and we must learn to love each other 'warts and all' especially if we've committed our live to living and serving each other. That's how happy relationships and happy people work. They love, and are loved unconditionally. 

 

Gridlock in conflicts entails growing complacent and resentful of the topic that's causing the conflict. It means that the conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner, you aren't getting anywhere on it, and you are both not willing to budge. 

The key to stop this is to, "Uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams that you have for your life." Gottman continues, "I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other word, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in it's place." More information on perpetual problems and how to cope with them can be found in the book.

 

 

Solvable problems, on the other hand, can be just as toxic, if not resolved appropriately. "When a solvable problem causes excessive tension, it's because the couple hasn't learned effective techniques for conquering it." He says that most of the techniques are to validate your partner's perspective and learn to be a good listener. This can be a hard thing to do, especially if you feel that you are right and that those skills are the last thing you want to do when you're upset.

 

He gives 5 steps to handle a disagreement:

1. Start up the conversation in a soft manner, using a loving spirit and kind in words. Conversations that start positively, or at least without contempt and criticism, are more likely to end well. A few tactics from Gottman are, complain but don't blame, make 'I' statements, describe what is happening without judgment or evaluation, be clear, be polite, be appreciative, and don't store things up.

2. Learn the effective use of repair attempts. These are the 'brakes' to the conversation to slow the speed and allow caution. "What separates stable and emotional intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse." Different kinds of repair attempts include, "I feel..", "I need to calm down...", "Sorry...", "Get to yes" or to validate what they're thinking, "Stop Action!", and "I appreciate...". All of these can ease the tension of the conversation and prevent a spiral of negativity, is heard.

3. Soothe yourself and each other. If you feel that you need a break, say something. It generally takes humans a good 20 minutes of distraction such as a walk, or a book, to calm the body down. And research shows that men react more physically to emotional conflict, so the time out may need to be lengthened for them. If your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you won't be able to hear each other, no matter how hard you might try.

4. Compromise. A marriage worth having is worth sacrificing for. You have to learn to give and take and learning to love and serve each other. Let your spouse influence you from time to time.

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults. "Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other." 

 

There is more detail and clarification to be found in the actual book and I urge to to read it. I fully believe that marriage is meant to refine us, to bring joy and happiness, and to have someone to have, hold, support, and sacrifice for. Contention is an enemy to love. 

As we address issues in our relationships, let us not forget that, 

"Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness." 

(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage) 

and that,

 

"Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and test out patience and love for our partners."(Brinley, Judd, Living in a Covenant Marriage)

I loved the material this week and I hope you were able to get something from what I've shared. Thank you for reading this post! If you have anything to add, please comment below. Have a great day!

An update of our life!

Hello family and friends! This is our life at the moment!  

     The calling as a Relief Society president was such a learning experience for Patrick and I and we're grateful for that opportunity to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple. If you are unfamiliar with Mormonism, Relief Society is a society for the women of the church where we have our own meeting on Sunday and learn the gospel and literally give relief to others that we know and those that we don't know who are in the community! 

    It was definitely humbling because I was made more aware of my weaknesses and how much I don't know. I loved serving the people in the ward and getting to know them. There were so many unique, fun, and loving people in our ward! And we already miss the people and Bishop and Sister Hendricks!

  In December we moved to Mesa, Arizona and are living with Patrick’s parents as we job search and eventually find an apartment! The trip down was pretty fun and it was the first big road trip that Patrick and I took together! I made a youtube video about it!

     After the road trip we spent Christmas with Patrick's family and then drove out to Anehiem for New Years with the Riley and Stubbs family! DISNEYLAND was so great! I'm going to make a video about it soon and then post it on here so stay tuned! Megan, my sister and fellow blogger posted lots of pictures HERE!

   As far as jobs go, Patrick was recently offered a job to work as a pizza delivery worker and has an interview for a new LA Fitness gym in Gilbert! Hopefully the second job will work out because it's indoors, has higher pay, and offers more hours! I am going to do respite care part-time and I’ve also been offered a well-paying job as a nanny of a child with Cerebral Palsy. We’ve been praying and hoping for an opportunity like this and we hope that it will work out, especially since the family seems so wonderful! After we have a steady income, we are planning to move to our own home and start online school in April! But for now we’re helping his parents do projects around the house and serving as primary teachers (children's Sunday school) at church.

   Having so much free time has proven to be somewhat toxic because it provides too much time to think and spiral in negative thinking! We were so use to a busy schedule with responsibilities and jobs and school work, that we had limited time to think about life. 

These are a few things that I've thought up with all of this spare time, both negative and positive! I'm sure you can relate to at least one of these!

- I've been seriously considering making a youtube channel and I think I'm going to go for it! I've thought of lots of ideas for videos already, so hopefully it goes well!

- I miss being in Oregon and the blissful and heavenly green that's all over the valley! Although it rains all the time, it's peaceful and seems to smell like fresh air constantly. The thing that I miss, more than the green, is family and friends! 

- I've been realizing how unimportant high school and even college friends become as you grow up and do your own thing. Everyone becomes preoccupied with their life and although you may try to keep in contact with everyone, there are only a select few that stay in touch and actually care about you and you genuinely care back! Thanks friends, you know who you are!

- There are people during middle school and high school that I tried to make friends with and try to gain popularity. I thought we'd always be 'close buddies'! But in the end, no one cares! In the end, only a few friends will be there for you. Which means I wasted 50% of high school.

- That being said, I realized that I have a legitimate fear of being forgotten and I'll never be asked to be a bridesmaid or that somehow, my closest friends will completely forget me, including family members. Life gets so crazy, and I understand that we all have priorities and people drift apart, but no one wants to feel neglected or forgotten, especially since you may care about them immensely.

- In high school, I was so insecure with my body and weight and always thought that I was too big but then I got married and gained weight with time and I've realized that I looked great! And I shouldn't have been so hard on myself and discouraged because I wasn't as skinny as other girls.

- I'm working on loosing weight now though, because according to BMI, I'm overweight. Opps. I've been making an effort to walk at least 175 miles over the whole year and I'm on mile 28! 

  Sooo, I know many of you wondered why we moved to Arizona. We were in Rexburg for only two years which isn't enough time to get a bachelors, right? Well, we felt that we needed to be closer to family to have a better support system. Brigham Young University- Idaho was so wonderful! But the weather and our apartment managers and a few other components made us question why we were there! We chose to move to Arizona rather than Oregon, because of the yearlong sunlight, especially since I've already proven to get seasonal depression. Both Arizona and Oregon have pros and cons! So it really came down to prayer and really deciding what pros and cons we were willing to live with. Sadly, I still miss being surrounded by familiarity, family, and friends! We’d like to plan a trip to Oregon as soon as finances will allow and we can't wait!

   But for now, Arizona has been absolutely awesome! Patrick's family is a dream. Everyone is so unique, kind, caring, strong, and hilarious. There is no contention contrary to what I've heard from friends about awkward and sad situations that they've experienced with the in-laws! The Duffs are the best anyone could ask for and we're grateful to be living close to them so that we can get to know each other better! Patrick has been away from them for a long time too, so it means a lot to be here to build relationships and make memories!

I know this post was long but I hope you've enjoyed reading about our life and a few thoughts of mine. Feel free to comment what you think or message me on facebook! We look forward to hearing from you!  

Much love from the both of us!

   

    Patrick and Tamsin