Conflict in Marriage and Other Realtionships

This is one of my longer posts and it's jammed with more dense material but I promise that it's worth it. I hope you enjoy learning about how to solve and cope with problems in relationships as much as I did! Happiness and love in marriage (and other relationships) can be achieved! Do not give up and keep reading!

According to John M. Gottman, Ph.D., in The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, "All marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some way or another." And that once you identify and sort your conflicts into these two categories, you can "customize your coping strategies, depending on which" categories they fall in.

 

The majority of marital conflicts fall under the perpetual category. People change, but these are the same conflicts being discussed years later. They are rooted in a symbolized deeper conflict between the two people.

 For example, "Chris is lax about housework and rarely does his share of the chores until Susan nags him, which makes him angry." The problem lies in personality and preference. These issues do not have to ruin a perfectly formed marriage. Instead they help us learn and grow and refine us because it does take patience, love, and tolerance to deal with them. Gottman says, "Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive."

 

Wait, WHAT?

He explains that couples who "acknowledge the problem" and talk about it, "their love for each other isn't overwhelmed by their difference." It's all about putting the conflict into perspective and realizing that we're human. None of us is perfect, including our spouse, family, or friends and we must learn to love each other 'warts and all' especially if we've committed our live to living and serving each other. That's how happy relationships and happy people work. They love, and are loved unconditionally. 

 

Gridlock in conflicts entails growing complacent and resentful of the topic that's causing the conflict. It means that the conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner, you aren't getting anywhere on it, and you are both not willing to budge. 

The key to stop this is to, "Uncover and share with each other the significant personal dreams that you have for your life." Gottman continues, "I have found that unrequited dreams are at the core of every gridlocked conflict. In other word, the endless argument symbolizes some profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in it's place." More information on perpetual problems and how to cope with them can be found in the book.

 

 

Solvable problems, on the other hand, can be just as toxic, if not resolved appropriately. "When a solvable problem causes excessive tension, it's because the couple hasn't learned effective techniques for conquering it." He says that most of the techniques are to validate your partner's perspective and learn to be a good listener. This can be a hard thing to do, especially if you feel that you are right and that those skills are the last thing you want to do when you're upset.

 

He gives 5 steps to handle a disagreement:

1. Start up the conversation in a soft manner, using a loving spirit and kind in words. Conversations that start positively, or at least without contempt and criticism, are more likely to end well. A few tactics from Gottman are, complain but don't blame, make 'I' statements, describe what is happening without judgment or evaluation, be clear, be polite, be appreciative, and don't store things up.

2. Learn the effective use of repair attempts. These are the 'brakes' to the conversation to slow the speed and allow caution. "What separates stable and emotional intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse." Different kinds of repair attempts include, "I feel..", "I need to calm down...", "Sorry...", "Get to yes" or to validate what they're thinking, "Stop Action!", and "I appreciate...". All of these can ease the tension of the conversation and prevent a spiral of negativity, is heard.

3. Soothe yourself and each other. If you feel that you need a break, say something. It generally takes humans a good 20 minutes of distraction such as a walk, or a book, to calm the body down. And research shows that men react more physically to emotional conflict, so the time out may need to be lengthened for them. If your heart rate is over 100 beats per minute, you won't be able to hear each other, no matter how hard you might try.

4. Compromise. A marriage worth having is worth sacrificing for. You have to learn to give and take and learning to love and serve each other. Let your spouse influence you from time to time.

5. Be tolerant of each other's faults. "Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other." 

 

There is more detail and clarification to be found in the actual book and I urge to to read it. I fully believe that marriage is meant to refine us, to bring joy and happiness, and to have someone to have, hold, support, and sacrifice for. Contention is an enemy to love. 

As we address issues in our relationships, let us not forget that, 

"Happy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness." 

(Goddard, Drawing Heaven into your Marriage) 

and that,

 

"Our capacity to love a spouse deeply and our ability to experience great joy in marriage are commensurate with the degree to which we are willing to suffer and hurt, to labor and toil, and to persevere through moments of unhappiness, stress, disappointment, and test out patience and love for our partners."(Brinley, Judd, Living in a Covenant Marriage)

I loved the material this week and I hope you were able to get something from what I've shared. Thank you for reading this post! If you have anything to add, please comment below. Have a great day!

An update of our life!

Hello family and friends! This is our life at the moment!  

     The calling as a Relief Society president was such a learning experience for Patrick and I and we're grateful for that opportunity to learn and grow as individuals and as a couple. If you are unfamiliar with Mormonism, Relief Society is a society for the women of the church where we have our own meeting on Sunday and learn the gospel and literally give relief to others that we know and those that we don't know who are in the community! 

    It was definitely humbling because I was made more aware of my weaknesses and how much I don't know. I loved serving the people in the ward and getting to know them. There were so many unique, fun, and loving people in our ward! And we already miss the people and Bishop and Sister Hendricks!

  In December we moved to Mesa, Arizona and are living with Patrick’s parents as we job search and eventually find an apartment! The trip down was pretty fun and it was the first big road trip that Patrick and I took together! I made a youtube video about it!

     After the road trip we spent Christmas with Patrick's family and then drove out to Anehiem for New Years with the Riley and Stubbs family! DISNEYLAND was so great! I'm going to make a video about it soon and then post it on here so stay tuned! Megan, my sister and fellow blogger posted lots of pictures HERE!

   As far as jobs go, Patrick was recently offered a job to work as a pizza delivery worker and has an interview for a new LA Fitness gym in Gilbert! Hopefully the second job will work out because it's indoors, has higher pay, and offers more hours! I am going to do respite care part-time and I’ve also been offered a well-paying job as a nanny of a child with Cerebral Palsy. We’ve been praying and hoping for an opportunity like this and we hope that it will work out, especially since the family seems so wonderful! After we have a steady income, we are planning to move to our own home and start online school in April! But for now we’re helping his parents do projects around the house and serving as primary teachers (children's Sunday school) at church.

   Having so much free time has proven to be somewhat toxic because it provides too much time to think and spiral in negative thinking! We were so use to a busy schedule with responsibilities and jobs and school work, that we had limited time to think about life. 

These are a few things that I've thought up with all of this spare time, both negative and positive! I'm sure you can relate to at least one of these!

- I've been seriously considering making a youtube channel and I think I'm going to go for it! I've thought of lots of ideas for videos already, so hopefully it goes well!

- I miss being in Oregon and the blissful and heavenly green that's all over the valley! Although it rains all the time, it's peaceful and seems to smell like fresh air constantly. The thing that I miss, more than the green, is family and friends! 

- I've been realizing how unimportant high school and even college friends become as you grow up and do your own thing. Everyone becomes preoccupied with their life and although you may try to keep in contact with everyone, there are only a select few that stay in touch and actually care about you and you genuinely care back! Thanks friends, you know who you are!

- There are people during middle school and high school that I tried to make friends with and try to gain popularity. I thought we'd always be 'close buddies'! But in the end, no one cares! In the end, only a few friends will be there for you. Which means I wasted 50% of high school.

- That being said, I realized that I have a legitimate fear of being forgotten and I'll never be asked to be a bridesmaid or that somehow, my closest friends will completely forget me, including family members. Life gets so crazy, and I understand that we all have priorities and people drift apart, but no one wants to feel neglected or forgotten, especially since you may care about them immensely.

- In high school, I was so insecure with my body and weight and always thought that I was too big but then I got married and gained weight with time and I've realized that I looked great! And I shouldn't have been so hard on myself and discouraged because I wasn't as skinny as other girls.

- I'm working on loosing weight now though, because according to BMI, I'm overweight. Opps. I've been making an effort to walk at least 175 miles over the whole year and I'm on mile 28! 

  Sooo, I know many of you wondered why we moved to Arizona. We were in Rexburg for only two years which isn't enough time to get a bachelors, right? Well, we felt that we needed to be closer to family to have a better support system. Brigham Young University- Idaho was so wonderful! But the weather and our apartment managers and a few other components made us question why we were there! We chose to move to Arizona rather than Oregon, because of the yearlong sunlight, especially since I've already proven to get seasonal depression. Both Arizona and Oregon have pros and cons! So it really came down to prayer and really deciding what pros and cons we were willing to live with. Sadly, I still miss being surrounded by familiarity, family, and friends! We’d like to plan a trip to Oregon as soon as finances will allow and we can't wait!

   But for now, Arizona has been absolutely awesome! Patrick's family is a dream. Everyone is so unique, kind, caring, strong, and hilarious. There is no contention contrary to what I've heard from friends about awkward and sad situations that they've experienced with the in-laws! The Duffs are the best anyone could ask for and we're grateful to be living close to them so that we can get to know each other better! Patrick has been away from them for a long time too, so it means a lot to be here to build relationships and make memories!

I know this post was long but I hope you've enjoyed reading about our life and a few thoughts of mine. Feel free to comment what you think or message me on facebook! We look forward to hearing from you!  

Much love from the both of us!

   

    Patrick and Tamsin 

My life in less than 2000 words.

For my family history class I was asked to share my testimony and outlook on life. I thought I would share it on here too!

"1.7 Testimony/View of life

For my beloved family and friends, I want to share with you a little about my life and my testimony and conversion. I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah to Gary and Gloria Stubbs. I was the youngest of 4 children and when I was three, we moved to Salem, Oregon to live close to my grandparents.

I really enjoyed my childhood and felt that I didn’t lack any needs. I may not have had cable tv growing up but I did stay out and play until the streetlights came on. My siblings, Megan, Joe, Brendan, and later Emily, are some of the closest people in my life. At the moment, I am closest to my sisters and parents but I want to work on my relationships with my brothers. We have so many fond memories of my parents and the fun things we did together! Disneyland, camping, Renaissance fairs, Harry Potter movie premiers, Christmas, Santa, Thanksgiving, Halloween, General Conference and mom’s famous orange rolls.

The gospel has been a strong influence in my life. With my experiences at home and in the youth programs, I was ready to be baptized at age 8 and felt prompted to read the entire Book of Mormon at age 14. I’ve always felt that the gospel was true but reading The Book of Mormon helped me gain a strong testimony that would be essential for growing up in these times, especially in such a liberal and moralistically declining world. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, I never really ‘fit in’ and knew that that was how it was going to be since I was so different. I wasn’t afraid to be a Latter-Day Saint, although I think I could have been a little more loving and tolerant of other people’s beliefs, looking back.

I originally wanted to attend BYU but was not accepted. When I came to terms that I would be going to BYU-Idaho, things were peaceful and I knew that I was on the right path. I met Patrick, my husband, while he was serving a mission during my senior year of high school. He served in my sister’s family ward for 11 months out of his mission and because my sister invited the missionaries over to share dinner with her family of four boys and one girl, we became good friends. When he finished his mission and went home to Arizona, I moved to Idaho for my first semester of college. Before he left, he gave me a letter explaining that he had liked me for months and would like to keep in contact after his mission. I was ecstatic!

Two weeks later he came up to visit me in Rexburg and we started dating long-distance until he was able to attend BYU-Idaho in January. We dated until February and became engaged on the 8^th. During March I planned my wedding in Oregon and we were married April 13^th, 2013 in the Portland mission. We have been married for a year and half and have learned and grown so much already.

We lived in a studio apartment for a year and we recently moved to a one bedroom apartment while attending a wonderful ward. I have been called to serve as a Relief Society president and I am so grateful for this experience! I love the sisters in the ward and am so grateful to be where I am at the moment.

Yes, things are stressful and difficult, and I do get lonely without family near, but I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that I have one of the greatest men as a husband who treats me like a 

queen. I love the gospel and am so blessed to be a part of it and to have been able to receive sacred ordinances in the temple.

I hope that as Patrick and I prepare for parenthood

, that I can continue to improve my testimony and love of the gospel as well and be able to take care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I know that  a love of the gospel and service brings happiness and I am so grateful to have been given so much to work with and to bless the lives of others.

I know that as we experience adversity and are pulled down by the filth of the world and even our own doubts and fears, a hope in Christ and his atonement and the gospel will pull us through. I know that families are essential to Heavenly Fathers plan and I am so excited to start one and to take the good things from my childhood and pass them down to my children."

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

Patrick and I have been prayerfully trying to figure out when and where we should move. We both love Rexburg for the experiences we've had here and the people we've met, but we long to be closer to family. Rexburg is our temporary home and although we've been so blessed to attend Brigham Young University- Idaho for almost two years, we are ready to move... or so we thought ;)

The process of finding jobs in a small college farm town is a tedious one. Patrick has been faithfully applying to jobs and is a hard worker but hasn't heard back about jobs since September, even though he had had some interviews. How frustrating it was! In the fall I was working two jobs and going to school and Patrick was looking for jobs while waiting for his semester to start in January. We we both unhappy about our situation- we barely had time to see each other, I was exhausted to tears, and Patrick was bored to tears and felt like he wasn't providing as much as he could.

We also felt really lonely and detached from what was happening at home in Oregon and Arizona. I remember praying for more friends that I could relate to, especially since a lot of my friends stopped talking to me after moving away and getting married. Life was hard. But we had to continue and endure, what else was there to do?

Although we were grateful for the financial aid and the generous tippers at my work, we prayed and fasted and hoped that a job would happen sooner or later so that we could afford for me to take less shifts and to spend more time together. After months of nothing working out, we decided that it was time to get out of Rexburg to seek jobs elsewhere! We thought about moving to Utah for Patricks band and continue our education there, but that didn't feel quite right. We knew we wanted to move to Arizona to be close to family and to be exposed to lots of sunshine, but when? We wanted to get out as soon as possible and thought that we could be gone by the time spring semester started.

By the time spring semester came around, we had to decide what to do. We spent hours searching apartments in Mesa, Gilbert, and Chandler on the internet and had even planned to carpool down there with a friend from work who was getting married and had extra room in her U-haul truck. We were determined to get down there! And finding out that our family members were going to have babies soon made us want to move even more quickly! The sunshine and warmth were extremely tempting, especially since we had been suffering below 10 degrees for a few months or so.

Registration for classes in the spring started and we registered just in case... Something felt right. And then we realized, why not stay one more spring semester, since last spring was so beautiful? It was settled and we chose to stay and tough it out so that we could save and so that I could receive my associates. We figured Patrick could finish his last semester for his associates this fall online. And we'd be able to go hiking, swimming, and have bonfires that we never really got to do when we were dating and newly married! We'd move to Arizona after spring semester and all would be well.

Not quite, Patrick was still job hunting. I have to confess, by this time I was working so much, I hardly got to see him fill out applications and work on his resume. I carelessly assumed that he had given up which was even more frustrating to me. After a good talk, and a very humbled heart, we suited up and decided to continue facing unemployment together and to keep praying for any job opportunities.

Around May Patrick finally got the call we were waiting for! After a phone interview, they asked him to come in for a face-to-face interview. We had gone to the temple and finally realized that we should stay one more semester so that Patrick could build his resume and graduate with his associates. After months of praying to know when we should move, we finally felt good about waiting until December. Things were so great and we were really excited about this opportunity. The interview was successful and it seemed like the employer was going to give Patrick the job.


During this time we celebrated by making our favorite no bake cookies. I had the distinct impression to go take some to the bishop on Sunday. We love our bishop so much and he recently informed us that he will be going through chemotherapy. We hoped to visit with him and to let him know we are happy that the doctors caught the leukemia at an early stage. So we went over and let him know about the job interview and that we decided to stay here a few more months.

He was overjoyed! So much so that it was a little disconcerting.. and knowing that the relief society presidency was going to be released, I had a random thought that I'd be called. I immediately thought, "What? Me? Of all the sisters in the ward, bishop would not call such an imperfect and inexperienced person." So I threw the thought aside and we visited with bishop until it was time to go.

The following week the bishopric kept trying to contact Patrick and I and that Thursday evening after a late shift, we went to the bishops home where he extended the call to be the Relief Society president over the Rexburg Married Student 34th ward. Holy. Poop. No wonder we felt prompted to stay in Rexburg for just a bit longer!

We weren't looking forward to telling family that we were moving later in the year because we were ashamed of our inconsistency, but now we had to tell them and they took the news with love, of course. So now that we were staying in Rexburg, the job would have to work out, right?

 We waited for a couple weeks for call that was so promising, until we had to come to the realization that they dropped the ball and weren't decent enough to call Patrick that they weren't going to hire him. We were very upset and confused. This has happened before and we were sure that this was an answer to our prayers! We had felt great about it in the Temple and everything seemed to be going well. Why in the world was this happening again? We had suffered months of unemployment and had even moved to a tiny studio apartment to save on rent. And we felt so secure that this job would be the one, especially since it was one that Patrick could gain applicable experience for his career.

So back to square one, except with a great and wonderful calling from the Lord and a little bit more worry about our car has been having troubles. Prayer, my friends. Prayer. And fasting. This calling has brought so many blessings already and I am still trying to find a balance in life, but who isn't? One prayer has most definitely been answered and that is that we don't feel that lonely anymore. I am so humbled to be rubbing elbows with such wonderful women and men in our ward. Service does great things and we are starting to feel like people care about whether or not we're doing okay.

 Anyway, how disappointing it was to not hear back from the job? But we continued to pray and fast and tried to hope for a brighter future. As we waited another week, wondering what we were going to do next, it came. Our prayers were answered. Patrick received a call from Frontier Pies, a restaurant that shares the parking lot with our hotel style apartment complex. Not the best food, but still a job! He applied to be a dishwasher and they called for an interview. Ironically the interview was far more awkward than the one for the job we thought we'd get. They called him the same day and offered a cook position!

Hallelujah! A prayer of gratitude and  joy was given. Although it wasn't going to be a $10 an hour or an office job Patrick was looking for, it is exactly what Heavenly Father knows we need. Patrick starts this Tuesday and we feel so humbled and blessed. Yes, we work in the food industry, but hey- we can afford all that we need and maybe have a little extra to save for a car. Also, an occasional free meal ;)


There's no telling what changes are going to happen next. Maybe we'll feel prompted to stay longer. Maybe we'll be blessed with a little one (knock-on-wood). Or Maybe we'll win the lottery and be able to buy an awesome car. It doesn't matter what happens because we know we're in the Lords hands.

He has a plan for each of us and we are promised that if we trust in him and his timing, we will be blessed immensely. If we endure through adverse times and maintain communication with God and a grateful heart, it'll all work out. He loves us. He answers prayers. And changes will come as we grow and learn and gain experiences in this life which will stay with us into eternity.

Fresh Laundry

While I wait for our laundry to dry, I am studying Christs teaching for my new testament class that's later today. Patrick and I actually are taking the same class from the same instructor at two separate times so it's been great to talk about His teachings together. Anyway, the window is cracked a few inches and the smell of fresh laundry and the early summer air are evoking the best of feelings. Today is going to be a great day.

Our first post!

Hello! Patrick and I are so excited to be starting a blog! I may be more excited to be starting one than he is. He's asleep in bed at the moment while I wait for my ipod to charge before I go running. We are so happy to be sharing what we're up to and any dreams and ideas that we have. If you are reading this, we hope you enjoy! 

S'more kisses please?

Patrick and I are starting a blog for so many reasons. It's been a long time comin'! We wanted to stay in touch with family, share our thoughts and beliefs, and record what we do throughout the years (hopefully.) 

Well, why don't we use a social media?  

1. Not all of our family is on facebook! This is much more informational anyway. 

2. Also, when people share beliefs on a social network like facebook, often times they're met with opposition and hateful words from others that don't agree and aren't willing to listen or look further into the why we believe or what we believe. I've had a couple painful encounters with dear friends that I'll never forget and I know the outcome would have been more positive if we talked about our beliefs in person.

3. How many stupid advertisements and adds do you see on social media! Facebook especially. It's ridiculously annoying and misleading to how we view ourselves and the world. 
With just one click you could be headed into a dangerous website filled with filth, deceit, and lies. I may sound paranoid or over-dramtic to some but I personally know that the internet has some terrible and misleading images that change people, ruin families, and do not help us to become better.

4. Why do we follow and 'like' things of people that we don't really know. We may have been acquaintances first and then have grown apart but why not put the smart phone or laptop down and focus on the people around you. If you're meant to stay in touch with others, there are many meaningful ways to do so via a phone call, text, or email. I have somehow been under the impression that I have to know what's going on in everyone's life all the time but it is emotionally draining! Hopefully not using facebook as much will simplify our life.

5. And with a long scroll down the feed, I personally tend to feel like everyone else is having the time of their lives while our life isn't the best. Why? Because people often post only the surface of their life and rarely the 'whole story.' How smart is it to compare peoples successes and failures with your own? Hardly EVER a good idea. 

6. Which brings me to the biggest point yet. My  mental health. Patrick doesn't struggle with  facebook usage nearly as much as I do. I admit that I am addicted. I'd like to be able to stay on because there are numerous benefits, especially if you are limiting your time and have a small friend list that post uplifting words every moment of the day, but that is simply not the case for me. I also struggle with minor anxiety and depression. It happens more often than you think! But studies have shown the facebook is not complementary to mental health and actually contributes to anxiety and depression.(article here)

I find myself constantly checking the feed and turning to facebook when I'd rather not accomplish the things I need to (schoolwork, house cleaning, cooking, exercising, in gereal- taking care of my body and family.) It drains my motivation to get things done. It makes me sad to see so much success and a huge gap between their successes and my failures, which leads to guilt because I know that envy and comparing is wrong and that I should rejoice in others happiness. 


It is a vicious cycle. And I am done! I want to feel better! I want to be healthy. I want the people around me to know that I love them because I'm spending time with them or talking to them over the phone and genuinely asking how they're doing. I want to combat this depression and get out of the apartment sometimes! I want to be happy where I am, in this exact moment of my life, whatever circumstances life gives Patrick and I to work through together.


We have a life to live and spending so much time glued to our screens is not helping us do so, especially since we're on our laptops doing homework a lot of the time anyway. We are so excited to share our life with whoever is interested in a less time consuming and expressive way.



So, let the blogging begin!



(Disclaimer about social media- many wonderful and great things have come from social media. Missionary work, uplifting words offered to those in need, calmed troubles have been fixed, and so on.Some are not suffering from addiction or do not seem to have a problem so we obviously don't want to make you feel less of a person for using facebook. Our reasons for not using faceboook as often are applicable to some. Please don't be offended and know that we love you.)

-Tamsin